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Really single…

So as I sit at the bar of my favorite restaurant I realize the gravity of my singleness. I am not newly single. I have been out of a relationship for over 3 yrs. However, for 2 years and about 9 months I’ve been scrambling to find a new love. I have been on about 6 blind dates and twice as many online app dates. Everyone has a single guy they think would be perfect for me or a brother/ uncle newly divorced. What I realized from all these hookups is that most single guys are single for a reason. And all the blind dates in the world won’t change their status. If I happen to really like them they disappear in the ether. If we have a great date I literally never see or hear from them again. So finally I gave up. At first I thought if I gave up it meant I had acknowledged there is no one out there for me. I would be an old maid with a house full of cats. But it has been liberating. I have discovered I love my own company. I know me a lot better and look forward to what else I will learn about me. I have new strengths I never knew existed. For example, I sit tonight in a restaurant alone. I see joyful couples of all ages and I don’t feel any jealousy. I am enjoying every bite of my dinner and every sip of my dirty martini. I dressed like I wanted (comfy). I made eye contact and spoke kindly to all that greeted me. No shying away or acting like I was waiting for someone. I sent a few text messages out of boredom but I stayed in the moment. I even waited till I returned home to complete this post. For the first time in months I was alone and not worried about being lonely.

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